So here you are in the new year. Congratulations by the way. Regardless of anything else, you made it to 2019. The new year is a great time to really look at where you are in your life. I’m a huge supporter of people reflecting over their lives and taking stock some time to time. In psychotherapy, the therapist and client look over the client’s life approximately every 6 months, not just to see where the client is at, but also to make sure that what they are working on in therapy is still helpful. Taking that idea outside of therapy: this is a great time in the year to see if what you’ve been doing and what you have going on right now is still working for you. Are your coping skills still helping you or are they getting in the way? Are there other things you could be doing to improve your life? What things are working for you and what do you have on lock? In this piece, I want to show people how to do their own life reassessments so they can start to really look at where they are and then make moves to live their life with more intention, purpose, and satisfaction. These are open-ended questions for a reason. Answering them with 1 or 2 words isn’t really gonna get you much out of this. Answer the questions like you are having a conversation with someone. That should help you answer with enough detail to really make the best use of these kinds of questions. This is the kind of effort that really could set your new year off right.

(Important reassessment tool: Mindfulness strategies. Finding the techniques that best fit their needs can go a long way in helping people gain more self-knowledge and become more self-aware. Deeper, clearer awareness is priceless in a world that purposely tries to create confusion. This post here will help you find the right mindfulness strategy for your needs.)

Self and Identity

This section focuses on who you are as a person. Your inner self. How you see yourself and how you want the world to see you. And what it means to be you. Many people kind of coast through life, not really actively or intentionally thinking about who they are beyond who and what society and the people around them say they should be. While you’re reading the mindfulness post, I also really suggest checking out my piece on socialization here as a helpful starting point to learning what socialization is and how it influences each part of our lives.   

Questions to Help You Reflect

• How would you describe your gender and gender presentation/expression (gender presentation/expression is how your gender looks on the outside by way of your clothes, body language, etc.)?

• Do you have any gender-related concerns?

• What are some of your strengths?

• What are some things you would like to improve about yourself?

• If you could wake up tomorrow, and all the barriers/obstacles are gone and there was nothing holding you back, what would you want going on in your life? How could you get closer to that point in this life?

• What are 3 things you could do tomorrow to get you towards where you want to be?

Family/Home Life

This section focuses on your family (biological relatives and chosen family) and your life once you close and lock your front door. For many, one’s family is their foundation. It is your first set of relationships and, for many, your most long-lasting. It’s a good idea to reflect on what family means to you and the kind of family you want for yourself. Think about what would create a safe and satisfying home life for you and the people you care about.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• How would you describe your average day outside of work/school?

• How would you describe your home life?

• Who would you consider to be your family today? In sessions with clients, I’ve had clients document each person’s name, who they are to them, and the quality of the relationship with each person to get a better sense of the client’s family. Feel free to do the same with yourself while answering this question.

Your People

This section focuses on your squad, your social circle, your social support system, and the other people around you. It’s important to take an intentional look at the people and the relationships in your life. The people around you have a huge effect on your mental health, stress levels, sense of happiness, life satisfaction, and your decision making. A solid support system lifts each other up and creates safer spaces for each other in an oppressive world. Humans (with some rare exceptions) generally are social. Mental health wellness depends on some level on the kinds of people we keep around us.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• What social supports do you have in your life? Include: family, friends, sexual, romantic, etc. partners, professional/school contacts, any trusted medical and mental health providers, your religious community, any social groups you are a part of, etc.

• What are the significant relationships in your life? What about each relationship makes it important to you? What do you love about each relationship? What parts could be improved? How would you go about telling them this?

School/Job/Career

This section focuses on the time you spend at school, at work, caregiving, doing volunteer/charity work, and any other kind of work you do in your life. Including any and all the work you do, legal or otherwise, paid or unpaid, on and off the books, etc. Especially in this capitalistic society, the kinds of work we do become more than a title, they become part of our identity. Any unhappiness, lack of satisfaction, conflict, etc. in this area of your life can feel even worse because it is so tied up with our sense of who we are and our ability to eat, pay bills, and provide for our loved ones. And if everything is going well, celebrate that and look to your future. What are ways you can grow and improve in your work?

Questions to Help You Reflect

• What kind of student/worker are you?

• How satisfied are you with where you are in this area of your life?

• Any issues learning new information or managing your work load?

• Any interpersonal issues with professors/bosses or fellow students/co-workers? If you are experiencing harassment at your workplace or school, check out my suggestions for documenting it and protecting your mental health in this piece here about deescalating conflict in White-dominated workplaces as a Black person.

• How do you set and maintain firm boundaries at work/school?

• Do you do any volunteer work? What kind of volunteer work would you be interested in?

• Have you lost your job recently? Check out my piece here on making unemployment a time for personal growth and healing.

• What are some new skills you want to learn? How else can you grow or add more love to the many kinds of work you do?

Health

This section focuses on your mental and physical health and overall wellness. In this “wake up and grind” kind of society, many people are constantly pushing themselves more and more without stopping to check in with their bodies and minds. This isn’t a solid longterm game plan and will get expensive eventually with the terrible healthcare we have in this country. Taking care of your body and mind as you go is working smart. Whether your goals include finishing school, paying your bills, and/or moving us closing to revolution and decolonization, it won’t be possible to achieve if you aren’t investing in yourself now.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• How often do you go to a Dr for bloodwork and a checkup? When was your last appt?

• How often do you get tested for sexually transmitted infections? When was your last appt?
• How much do you sleep every night and what is the quality of your sleep (on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the best quality)?

• What is your diet like? Take at the very least 5 days, maybe even a week or 2, and document what you eat everyday (as best as you can), and how you feel on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the highest. Are you happy with what you find? What would be your ideal eating habits?

• Do you exercise? What does exercise look like for you? How long is each session? How many times a week?

• Do you have a history of disordered eating, (including any binge eating and/or going without eating with the purpose of losing weight)? What techniques/strategies are you using to eat in a healthier way? Which techniques are working for you? Who do you call for support when under a lot of stress?

• Are you prescribed medication? How often do you take it as prescribed?

• How often in the last 2 weeks have you felt sad, down, hopeless, not feeling pleasure in most things, and/or not interested in things you used to like/love doing? How often have these feelings stopped you from doing what you needed to do and/or have influenced your decision-making? Do you know the signs and symptoms of depression? See my depression piece here for more info.

• How often in the last 2 weeks have you felt anxious, keyed up, on edge, irritable, worried uncontrollably, etc.? On a scale from 1-5, with 5 being high? It might be helpful for you to track these feelings throughout the week: 1) day, 2) time, 3) brief description of the situation, 4) how you felt, and 5) the intensity from 1-5 with 5 being the most intense. How often have these feelings influenced your decision-making or affected your behavior or your ability to do what you need to do?

• How often in the last 2 weeks have you felt angry, in a rage, tense/agitated, irritable, etc.? Again, this is something that might be useful to keep track of for at least a week: 1) day, 2) time, 3) brief description of the situation, 4) how you felt, and 5) the intensity from 1-5 with 5 being the most intense. How often have these feelings influenced your decision-making or otherwise affected your behavior or your relationships with the people around you?

• What is your pain level today? And how has it been for the past week? On a scale from 1-5 with 5 being the most painful. How often has pain stopped you from going about your day?

Sex and Sexuality

This section focuses on sexuality and sexual awareness. The stigma and socialization built around sex and sexuality makes this area complicated for many people. There’s always the social expectation and pressures for everyone to play certain specific roles and play by certain rules in mandatory cisgender heterosexuality. Everyone is pushed to be cisgender, allosexual, and heterosexual. Any difference from that: people who are transgender, non-binary, intersex, asexual, gay, bisexual, queer, etc. is punished, held back from participating in various parts of society, killed, etc. And the people who are actually cishet are still forced to play by certain strict gender and sexual expectations for life to keep their privileges…or face their own consequences. Finding your true allosexual or asexual self is so hard in a world that tells you that anything different from what’s expected either doesn’t exist or isn’t even human. To live as you are is revolutionary. To begin to learn yourself and to unlearn socialization is life-changing.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• How would you describe your sexual orientation?

• If you have sex, how satisfied are you with your current sexual activity?

• If you have sex, how satisfied are you with the quality of the sex you have?

• If you have sex, do you experience any pain during sex?

• If you have sex, have you experienced sexually compulsive behavior, meaning sexual behavior that is difficult to control and that has started to negatively affect other areas of your life like your health, your job, etc. (in ways that are not directly connected to the stigmatization of sexuality and/or bigotry)?

Substance Use

This section focuses on a very, very common coping skill for many people. Let’s be real and honest here. Drug use, legal or illegal, isn’t a problem by itself from a physical and mental point-of-view. Drug use only becomes a problem when your use starts to become chaotic and starts to negatively impact other areas of your life. If you want to learn a little more information about drugs, substance use, and how to know if it has become a problem for you, check out my Drugs 101 piece here.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• What substances (legal and/or illegal) do you use at this time in your life?

• When did you first start using each substance?

• When was the last time you used each substance?

• How do you ingest each substance (swallowing/eating/chewing/drinking, smoking, vaporizing, inhaling/snorting, injecting, through the skin via a patch/liquid, etc.)? Is there a healthier/safer/less damaging to your body way you could try using instead?

• How much do you use of each drug? And how often a week?

Spirituality

 This section focuses on the place that spirituality has in your life. One’s spiritual beliefs and/or religious/spiritual community serve as an important coping strategy, social support, and source of deep connection for so many people. Your spiritual beliefs, assuming you have any, should lift you up and give you a sense of meaningful purpose. It would be concerning if your beliefs or community was becoming a negatively stressful part of your life. Like any other area of your life, it is worth reflecting to make sure that you are getting what you need.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• What kind of spiritual beliefs do you hold?

• How satisfied are you with this area of your life?

• Are there any struggles you have in this area of your life?

• Any interpersonal issues with other members of your spiritual community?

• Are you interested in any other spiritualities/religions? What kind would you be interested in?

Self Care 

This section focuses on your relationship with yourself. Self care is a word that’s becoming very popular on social media and in progressive spaces, but many people are not exactly clear on what self care really means and what it actually looks like for them in the real world. That’s how you have people drinking lemon water, but only getting 4 hours of sleep every night, for example. Self care is all the ways you can take care of your mental and physical health. For a deeper explanation of what self care is and how it can help you grow, check out my post on self care here.

Questions to Help You Reflect

• When and how do you find time for yourself?

• How do you nurture, grow, and maintain your relationship with yourself?

• How do you set boundaries with others and with yourself to take care of your mental and physical health? Check out my intro to setting boundaries piece here for more basic information on what boundaries are and how to set them. Here is a 2-Part series on how to set boundaries with family members as a way to protect your mental/physical health from toxic relationships with loved ones (Part 1 here) and as a way to make your closest relationships even stronger and more fulfilling (Part 2 here).

• What do you like to do for fun?

• How do you relax?

Any time is a great time to take a fresh look at your life, but the start of a new year motivates a lot of people to take some time and reflect. I personally like to give myself space to check in on my life every 6 months. As y’all know by now, I am huge on self-awareness, self-reflection, and maintaining a healthy, solid relationship with yourself and those around you. Taking steps to live your life as intentionally as possible in a society that is constantly pushing you to check out and live only according to how we were all socialized is beyond a power move…it is life changing. Taking realistic and compassionate assessments your own needs and walking in the spirit of that truth is something I want for all of us.

Thanks for reading and thank you for reading for an entire year. It has been a pleasure to write for y’all. The next piece covers taking breaks between romantic relationships for personal growth.

This is a seriously misunderstood topic. I was inspired to write about detransitioning when I saw a tweet by a bigot spreading misinformation. Bigots love to pretend that the rare cases of people deciding to reverse the effects of social and medical transitioning are somehow a sign of an “agenda” forcing people to become transgender. For the record, this isn’t a trans 101 post. There are hundreds, if not thousands of trans 101 resources and websites out there for any “But what does transgender mean?” questions. Google is your friend. Or pay a trans person to explain it to you. Either way, that’s not what this post is for. The goal here is to explain the basics of transitioning, detransitioning, and how you, cisgender people, can support trans people regardless of the choices they make. I want to demystify detransitioning for y’all.

What is Transitioning?

Before I get into detransitioning, I’ll explain transitioning real quick. There are 2 types: social transitioning and medical transitioning. Social transitioning deals with how you engage with society and people. Examples of social transitioning would be coming out as trans (to friends, family, coworkers, classmates, doctors, etc. over and over again throughout your whole life), using different pronouns, changing your name and gender markers on IDs, and/or changing the clothes you wear. Medical transitioning includes the medical procedures/treatments that some trans people decide to do to ease dysphoria, to overcome the puberty they were forced to endure, etc. Hormone replacement therapy, hysterectomies, the multiple kinds of top and bottom surgeries, etc. are a few of the many examples of medical transitioning. Cis people, in their ignorance, think there is this 1 surgery, THE surgery, that does…who knows what…and that’s how trans people become trans…like baking a cake or something. Transitioning in general is not a 1 size fits all kind of deal. Some trans people socially transition, medically transition, or some combination of both. Not all trans people choose to transition the same way. Transitioning, like life, is unique to each person. It depends on what living their truth looks like for each person and what is realistically possible for them due to financial restrictions or society’s transmisia/transphobia. Some trans people do not socially or physically transition in any way for their own reasons.

Note: Transgender people do not transition for cisgender people’s pleasure, comfort, permission, etc. Trans people transition to live their truth. Trans people do NOT transition to look like or copy cis people. Trans people do NOT transition to attract or trap cis people. Trans people transition for their happiness, peace of mind, satisfaction, etc. The only time trans people factor cis people into their thinking is when they are worried cis people will harm/kill them or when discrimination leads to them losing jobs, access to healthcare, right to pee in public bathrooms, child custody, etc.

The medical health and mental health needs/concerns of transgender people are not taught in med school/psych programs and there are so few in depth trainings available. Most cisgender professionals don’t know anything and don’t have the training to provide care to trans ppl. And most of them don’t even know how to help people process their own feelings about gender. Most professionals don’t know how to help anyone determine for themselves whether they are transgender or a cisgender person with gender-related concerns. So it is rare, but possible that a cisgender therapist with no proper training could encourage a another cisgender person with gender role/gender presentation concerns to transition. That’s SO rare because usually cisgender people go out of their way to do whatever it takes to stop people from gender transitions. Despite what most cis people seem to think, nobody is passing out hormones, etc. to transgender people like candy. It can take months at minimum to receive clearance for any kind of trans-related care, assuming you have insurance that will cover anything.

Though transgender people have always been around, trans people are becoming more visible in mainstream society so, as a result, more and more people see that being trans (and transitioning) is possible. At the end of the day, the rare cases of detransitioning that result from cis people mistakenly transitioning speaks more to systemic transmisia/transphobia in the healthcare field AND the desperate need for medical providers who are properly trained in transgender healthcare and working with gender-related concerns in general. Mental health professionals and doctors/nurses should be trained by trans people (a great way to create jobs) to be able to provide quality care and to be able to help all people process any gender-related feelings without judgment and/or bias.

What is Detransitioning?

[CW: I’m going to talk about detransitioning, putting it into the context of living in a transmisic/transphobic society. This may be hard to read and/or dysphoric for trans people. Self care, y’all.]

So I want to make it clear in this section that when I’m talking about detransitioning here, I am referring to transgender people who detransition. I already talked about cis people who mistakenly transition earlier. Again, the rest of this piece will cover only transgender people who detransition. Detransitioning could be social and/or physical. It’s usually due to systemic transmisia/transphobia (living in a society that is pound for pound stacked against you and wants you dead/disappeared) and a lack of social supports. Systemic bigotry and individual experiences with transmisia/transphobia can cause or exaggerate mental health symptoms like anxiety, depression, and/or trauma reactions. In addition to making physical health symptoms worse because the mind and body are connected. Exposure to other kinds of bigotry like racism and misogyny does the exact same thing so if you are a transgender person of color and/or a trans woman of color, you are dealing with even more burdens and stresses on your mind and body all the time at the same time. Detransitioning then can become a survival tactic in a bigoted, violent world that wants you dead.

Imagine being forced to cosplay as another gender for most of your life, with society constantly making jokes about trans people (trans women in particular) and killing them on a regular basis. Comedians make whole comedy specials about these murders. You then realize that you’re actually 1 of those people you’re taught to think is weird/disgusting/worthy of dying. Living your truth as a trans person is not a breeze, contrary to what a lot of cis people seem to think. This is an uphill battle: people you thought you trusted will abandon you and possibly actively try to harm you. Support can be hard to find depending on where you live. In many states, changing your name and gender marker on IDs is made purposefully too expensive for many people with mandatory doctor visits and/or surgery requirements. Really think about that. Think about being forced to have surgery (an expensive surgery you might not have really wanted) that you could die from because there’s a risk of dying in any kind of surgical procedure…and/or because your medical providers and/or case workers might have little to no experience working with actual trans people and/or might have anti-trans views. There have been many cases of medical providers refusing to treat trans people and/or letting trans people die on the operating table. This seriously happens. This is something that many trans people on some level worry about especially if you don’t live in an area that has quality transgender-specific care.

Let’s keep imagining here though: you need money to pay for your transition expenses, but no one will hire you to make that money because job discrimination against trans people is legal in most states. But any delay in transitioning could lead to more mental and emotional symptoms because there’s a serious risk of violence from cis people who routinely attack anyone who doesn’t look like them. And honestly that’s not even close to everything that trans people deal with. It’s draining to be trans in this society. It’s literally traumatic because bigots make it that way. And if you have other marginalized identities: being queer, asexual, intersex, Black or another POC, disabled, etc., it’s even more complicated. It can wear someone down to deal with all that bigotry stacked on top of each other alone for years. And with all of that, detransitioning can seem like the only option to find some peace. How messed up is that: Being forced away from living your truth and then dealing with all the psychological/emotional pain of that becomes the way to avoid society’s constant torture.

The most common reasons I have ever heard for a trans person detransitioning are for safety, a stable job/income, and/or to avoid being alone. I’ll never forget: in 1 of my old jobs, a coworker had a Black trans woman client who lived in a SRO (single room occupancy) building. I remember her coming down to see him in “boy-mode” suddenly one day. She told me casually that she decided to detransition over the weekend because she was terrified and tired of cis men attacking her basically every night. She was trying to find her own apartment and a job, but she couldn’t if she was constantly healing from these assaults. After almost a month, she started taking HRT again. When I saw her, she told me she started HRT again because (I’m paraphrasing) she had to do her regardless. I had so many mixed emotions in that moment. On 1 hand, it’s powerful as hell, but it shouldn’t have to cost her so much power and so much energy just to go to the corner store. Despite detransitioning being so rare, she isn’t the only one dealing with this.

I decided to ask transgender people on Twitter back in April the following questions: “What was happening in your life when you made the decision to detransition?” and “Is there anything else you want me to know/understand about this?”. 2 people graciously reached out to me to tell me their experiences with detransitioning. 1 person, a trans man made the decision to detransition in order to become financially stable. Due to job discrimination against trans people being very legal in this country, in order to receive “a serious paying job”, he made the choice to detransition. To put it blankly, he knew that “if I had walked into the interview binding with a shaved head I wouldn’t have been hired”. I’m using the word “choice” loosely here. Decisions made in coercive situations aren’t the same thing as decisions made when you have freedom. Having to choose between being yourself and being able to eat and keep a roof over your head is a symptom of larger problems in society. Suffer psychologically and emotionally and keep a job or be homeless and financially unstable. That’s not a real choice. And that’s a man-made problem that can easily be solved.

The 2nd person to share their story with me on Twitter was a non-binary trans POC who came out as trans 5 years ago and was isolated from their family for 4 years as a result. They decided to detransition because they are “in dire need of community”. They described the trans community at the school they are attending as “racist” and after being alone for so long, they said they are “in the process of detransitioning to talk to my parents again”. Humans have many different kinds of survival needs: shelter, clothing, food, stability, and a sense of belonging/community are some of them. Many marginalized/oppressed people are forced to trade some needs for others and have to figure out how to exist without fully being allowed to live. It’s painful. It’s messed up. Again, it’s a man-made problem. Many bigots will point to trans people who detransition as evidence that their trans experience and their gender was never real. One thing that this 2nd trans person wanted to make clear was that being forced by their situation to detransition was “very painful” and did not make them any less trans: “I guess I’d like you to know that I’m still trans”. This sentence reminded me of that Black trans woman approaching me to tell me that she’s still trans. I really felt that. Cisgender bigots try to capitalize on the rare detransitioning cases because they want to pretend that transgender people are accidents, signs of mental illness, a recent fad, and something that can be reversed with enough hate and abuse. But transgender people are still here. They have always been here and there’s nothing cis people can do to change that. If anything, detransitioning is a sign of a cisgender agenda: an agenda designed to prop up white supremacy, colonialism, patriarchy, etc. that traumatizes and kills children and adults, whole human beings, everyday.

What Can Cisgender People Do To Support Trans People?

This is why it’s so important for you to challenge transmisia/transphobia in yourself and the people in your life. Look into yourself. If you are a person of color and would want white people and other POCs to speak up if someone ever said some racist mess about your culture, you’d be a hypocrite if you wouldn’t do the same for an oppression that isn’t yours. This society makes being transgender so damn hard. Deadly actually. Especially if the trans person is also Black, queer, disabled, etc. There are trans people in your communities that you have abandoned to be as bigoted as colonizers. You can’t be a leader in a revolution with all that hate/disgust/aversion in your heart for your own people. You can’t be a leader and a leading cause of death at the time same time.

Some Basic Ways Cis People Can Help:

1. Introduce yourself with your name and pronouns to everyone, even if you think you know their gender. If anyone asks, say you’re just being polite: You wouldn’t like people to assume anything about you and you don’t like assuming things about people.
2. Use whatever name and pronouns you are given. With practice, like anything you put effort towards, pronouns are easy.
3. Don’t let anti-trans jokes fly without challenging them. If it makes people uncomfortable and feel like they can’t make those kinds of jokes around me anymore, good. I didn’t want it anyway and I made the area a better place.
4. Stand against laws and policies that hurt trans ppl because it creates a safer world for everyone. Creating laws where medical providers can turn away trans people for religious beliefs creates loopholes so doctors could reject cis people for wanting birth control, being Black, having an undocumented immigration status, etc.
5. If you don’t understand something, google it. If you can’t find the answer after googling, ask a trans person if you can give them some money in exchange for them taking the reasonable amount of time and labor to educate you.
6. If you have some extra money, donate directly to a trans person.

Transphobic cisgender people love to jump on detransitioning stories as evidence of a “transgender agenda”, but if cis people let other people live their lives freely, there would be no need for detransitioning. Being real and true, the real agenda is assuming everyone is cisgender and heterosexual and then forcing everyone who is different to pretend for the rest of their lives…unless they want to risk housing discrimination, job discrimination, terrible medical care, not being able to get custody of their children, etc. On some: be like us or we won’t let you be a full member of society…assuming you survive all this. Staying silent doesn’t make you a witness. It at best means you’re an accomplice, holding the torturer’s beer. Trans people aren’t aliens. There are Black transgender people, Latinx transgender people, etc. There are trans people in your communities that you could be supporting. There are trans people in your hood you could be looking out for. Because bet money throughout history when one of us was killed and a march needed to happen and/or hashtags needed to be shared, your transgender community members were out in the streets. But who stands up for the trans people in your community?

 

Thanks for reading. The next post on Sunday 10/28/18 will be covering suicide: what it is, the difference between thinking about suicide and being at risk of actually doing it, bodily autonomy, and suicide prevention.

What is Deescalation?

1. Making eye contact and talking to them in a calm voice. Speak to them calmly until they are able to talk to you about what’s going on for them). It’s important here to be respectful (regardless of how you might feel in the moment) and treat the person with the same empathy you’d want if you were upset.

2. Dealing with the person who’s upset/angry, etc. 1-on-1. If possible, bring the person to the side and speak to them personally. Don’t gang up on someone because that will probably escalate the situation and the person could become more upset.

3. Actively listening to what the person is saying. Not putting words in their mouth. Not just waiting for them to stop talking so you can talk. Actually listen to what their needs are. Many times people are upset because they feel no one is hearing them and their concerns are being ignored. So hear them out in all seriousness.

4. Setting reasonable, realistic boundaries to maintain the safety and peace of the space. For example, reminding the person of the rules of the space i.e. not fighting here or yelling in the waiting area. Or setting personal boundaries like: “It’s hard for me to focus when you ___, would you mind sitting down to talk, etc.?” (Reminder that boundaries are not about setting limits on or controlling other people’s behaviors. Boundaries are ultimately for you, not for other people, as guidelines so you can figure out what’s best for you in each situation. In this case, you are setting boundaries also to maintain physical and emotional safety for everyone in the space. See my intro to boundaries piece for more here.)

5. Collaborating with the upset/agitated person on other realistic options to this behavior/situation like taking a walk, having a snack/going on lunch, and/or going into another room to talk to someone, etc. This helps you continue to see the person as a human with reasonable concerns and someone who can help come up with solutions to the issue.

How Does Race and Racism Affect How Conflict Is Handled At Work?

Dealing with Conflict In White Spaces

It’s everywhere. Every. Where. But most people aren’t aware of the effects it has on how they think, act, and what they see as possible. I see people not knowing what socialization is and how they are affected by it everyday. Whether we are talking about sex and dating (“It’s just a preference.”) or systems of oppression like racism (Black people seen as especially angry/dangerous) or transphobia/transmisia (Thinking there are only 2 genders). Socialization is there setting the scene for your life. Even in this society where we are taught to be “mavericks” and achieve our individual American dreams (these are all examples of socialization by the way), we are all living our lives by scripts and rules set out for us. And those who actually go against the grain in ways that capitalism can’t make money off of are socially punished at best. Many have also been abandoned, killed or imprisoned. This post will focus on explaining what socialization is and how it affects every part of our lives with the goal of helping people become more aware. I am constantly taking about the importance of self-reflection and awareness. Self-awareness and awareness of the various kinds of socializations is the first step to freedom.

So what is socialization? Socialization is the process of learning the social agenda and everyone’s place in society. It is a learning process that starts from the moment we are born that we can’t opt out of and we can’t avoid it. And no one is immune to it. Nobody is above the power of socialization. It starts from birth and you are already living according to what you’ve learned from it years before you are old enough to start to becoming aware of it. Learning in socialization happens on many levels: at home with parents/guardians, in extended families, at school, with friends/peers, in church/places of worship, in the community, in the media, etc. Learning the social rules and agenda in a society can happen verbally, in body language, reading between the lines in implied situations, etc. We are constantly learning ideal, morals, ethics, values, and rules for how to behave that determine all the choices we make. We are all directly and indirectly punished/rewarded for certain traits/behaviors. We’ve also watched others get gathered for things they did. We saw the consequences of their actions and switched up our behavior in response. That kind of learning literally changes our brains and affects what we think is possible to be and do in the world.

Socialization is how you learned to believe that poor people aren’t working hard enough or that “boys will be boys” when cis men engage in violent behavior. It’s how you learn that having dark skin is ugly/animalistic or how you learn that to be feminine is to be weak. Socialization is what encourages people socialized as women/femmes to stay with toxic men because they see the potential of who he might become while encouraging cishet and cis masculine men to leave the moment they are unhappy. If life is a board game, the game is rigged and everyone’s roles and destiny was pre-decided by a handful of people who cheated and stole to get that power. They wanna keep most of the winnings to themselves so they set up the game so people like them always win…as long as everyone plays their part. Socialization is the game rules and everyone is told that if they keep to the script, they might win something in the end. But anyone really paying attention can see that, like gambling, the House always wins. These rules are not natural law. This ain’t ordained by god or whatever other justification they use for being greedy and bigoted. Because socialization is taught from the moment we are born, it’s easy to believe that social problems can’t be changed. Poverty, racism, colorism, rape culture, etc. are man-made problems, not natural disasters that we can throw our “thoughts and prayers” at. That’s why it’s so interesting that people (usually people defending their position of power/privilege) love to talk about the “agendas” of marginalized people like ”The Gay Agenda,” for example. They snitch on themselves with this. Pay attention: any different ways of thinking and/or existing in the world directly stand against the socialization game rules and the agenda THEY set up to benefit them. If you act differently, you mess with their bag. They have an agenda that they want to protect at other people’s expense.

To complicate things, someone can be both privileged and oppressed in different ways. Somebody can be oppressed for being Black and gay, but have cisgender, abled, and masculine male privilege. This person could definitely experience systemic racism (job discrimination for being Black) and have individual experiences with homophobia (abandoned by his family and communities and forced to figure out life on his own). That said, he also benefits from living in a society that rewards and gives priority to able-bodied masculine men and holds back, oppresses, punishes, and/or kills people who are feminine and/or not cisgender. Because people often can be both marginalized and oppressed, many people often focus only on the oppressions they deal with and ignore the suffering of other people. Especially if they can enjoy some level of power over those other people. This society encourages people to not have empathy for others so everyone can keep playing the game. It’s exploitation on so many levels.

I mentioned before that socialization affects how you see the world. This can look like white people calling the cops on Native youth for going on a college campus tour because “they don’t belong”. Dig deep there: why don’t they belong? Why don’t non-white youth belong in school? That’s racism and socialization: racism is taught to us and is a part of how we are socialized. Internalized racism, homophobia, misogyny, etc. is also socialization. Even sexual preferences that y’all love to pretend are objective and not affected by anything. Sexual preferences and your ideals of attractiveness are strongly influenced by socialization. We are all taught who is attractive, who is worth dating and loving, and who is worth just having sex with in private. None of that is natural law. And I know what many of y’all are going to wanna say at this point: “I’m my own person. I just like what I like. I believe what I believe. And that’s that on that”. Yeah, you have an inner self. You are you, but this you is filtered through and shaped by the society we live in. If you weren’t socialized into believing that some people are less equal than others through racism, misogyny, homophobia/homomisia, transphobia/transmisia, ableism, colorism, etc., then you would have different values and be a different person. Like that Black Mirror episode: “Men Against Fire” with the Roaches [SPOILER]. Think of socialization as the MASS implant given to soldiers to hide the true identities of the people being killed. The implants created the circumstances where the soldiers could dehumanize people and see them as “roaches” in order to participate in genocide and basically their systemic removal from society. [END SPOILER] That’s what socialization does. Changing how you see the world so you can participate in society according to the rules. If you were socialized to see transgender people as equal human beings like you, you would be disgusted at how often people joke about killing them or how medical providers will leave trans people to die because healing them is against their religion. If you were socialized to see dark-skinned Black women as people, you wouldn’t call them “unrapeable” and “roaches”. It’s easy to separate children from their parents and then “lose” them if you see them as “animals”. And again, 1 of the goals of socialization, like the implants, is to systemically remove certain people or make them invisible in society. These are physical, psychological, and social genocides.

You don’t have to keep playing the game with the rules you have been given. Socialization can be unlearned. For example, people of color expect white people to unlearn the racism they were socialized into. And the Me Too movement is about asking people to unlearn the socialization around rape culture. Taking apart your assumptions is hard work, but it’s definitely possible. It’s something to work on everyday while being open to being corrected on your mess. Fostering awareness of yourself (1 way is through Mindfulness techniques. Check out my piece here) is the start to unpacking socialization’s baggage. Freedom isn’t something that passively happens. Ain’t nobody gonna just free us. We have to free ourselves and it starts in our minds.

Thanks for reading. The next post will be about dealing conflict and deescalating situations as a person of color in a white-dominated workplace.

What’s Going On?

Where Do We Go From Here?

Some Suggestions:

• Unlearn myths and stigmas about people who struggle with their drug use (Again, my intro to drug use piece is a great place to start).Where do those “crackhead” jokes come from? What values are they based in? Who taught you that? Are those values worth keeping? Once it really hits you that we as a society shame these victims of the War on Drugs while the ones who instigated it are still in power…the jokes are a lot less funny.

• Give money, food, clothes, etc. to people who ask for help in real life and on crowdfunding apps. Why donate to companies when you can give directly to people?

• Pro Bono services/volunteering – what skills do you have or what services you could provide for free to members of your community who need it?

• Maybe you could reach out to abandoned family members and see what’s good with them (Again, boundaries and self care are important here).

What Do Boundaries Do?

Examples of Phrases Used to Set Boundaries:

• I already said No. I’m not repeating myself.
• I don’t want to talk about this right now. Give me an hour.
• If you keep doing this, I am going to leave/block you.

Setting Boundaries

Some tips for setting boundaries: