Welcome back to the somatic series!

This is the series where I am using somatic psych theory to help people learn and map out their autonomic nervous system (ANS), develop a healthier relationship with themselves, and eventually build stronger communities.

This is the 6th part of Unit 3, which explains trauma from a somatic perspective, what triggers are, the concept of biological rudeness, what glimmers are, and the basics of how to regulate your ANS out of survival mode through self-regulation and co-regulation.

Chapter 12 covered an overview of how fear and anxiety shows up in the nervous system as a way to lay the foundation for talking about trauma.

Chapter 13 discussed trauma from a somatic perspective, specifically what trauma is and some of the effects chronic trauma has on our brains, bodies, and communities.

Chapter 14 focused on triggers: What triggers generally are and how to identify your own triggers so you can continue this somatic self-learning journey.

Chapter 15 broke down biological rudeness. What it is and how to tell the difference between misunderstandings, regular relationship conflict, and danger.

Chapter 16 illustrated the concept of glimmers, how they compare to triggers, and how to use them to support your mental and physical health.

Last chapter, Chapter 17 Part 1 and Chapter 17 Part 2, explained the basics of self-regulation: what it is, how it relates to the concept of self-care, and the theory behind how to use it to release stress, think clearly, manage your emotions, and connect with your body/gut/intuition.

And finally Chapter 18, closes out Unit 3 with co-regulation: what makes it an essential human need, how it relates to reciprocity, intimacy, and play in all interpersonal relationships, and why it’s baked into the foundation of community building.

As important and necessary as self-regulation is for our physical and mental health and for our relationship with ourselves, it is not the end all, be all. Humans are not meant to handle all the stress and traumas of the world alone. And we are not even meant to experience all the pleasures and joys of the world alone either. Most people have a natural desire to have meaningful connections with others, whether with their loved ones and households, community connections like their barber or the people they greet around the neighborhood, or even the casual, pleasant one-off interactions with strangers that brighten up the day. Even if you are a pro at self-regulation, sometimes you can’t, shouldn’t, and maybe even don’t want to do it by yourself. It is exhausting to have to handle everything yourself and it’s very human to want the security of knowing that you can also rely on others to feel safe and at peace.

 

What is Co-regulation?

Co-regulation is the act/practice of regulating one’s autonomic nervous system (ANS) with 1 or more other people, either by regulating oneself by relying on another person’s regulated ANS like jumpstarting a car or people sharing a moment of regulation/safety/connection together. For comparison, self-regulation is regulating your ANS alone and co-regulation is regulating your ANS with other people.

Co-regulation tends to be the first kind of somatic and emotional regulation that we, as humans, experience. Babies do not come out of the gate knowing how to manage the sensations and emotions that come with being alive. That’s why they scream for help. It’s the adults’ job not only to figure out what the child needs, but also to teach the child overtime how to manage the emotions and thoughts that come from having needs in the first place. Ideally, children experience co-regulation from doing interactive regulation with parents and other adults as they experience life for the very first time. This becomes complicated when those parents and other adults (like other relatives, teachers, mentors, community members, etc.) were not taught how to regulate their own autonomic nervous systems themselves.

If adults are living with chronically dysregulated autonomic nervous systems, they are less likely to co-regulate with the child and/or maintain a relationship dynamic and home environment where co-regulation is possible and consistent. Stressed, systemically exploited, and burnt out parents have a harder time managing emotions and stress. And they have an even harder time modeling healthier ways of dealing with distress in front of their kids. And if kids are constantly in survival mode, they stop seeking co-regulation and stop relying on adults and eventually even their peers to show them the way and keep them safe. They start believing it’s better to be alone and are forced to over-rely on self-regulation as they get older. If kids don’t think they can safely rely on anyone else to help them manage their emotions and stress, they will grow up to be adults who try to handle everything themselves. Which works until the day it really doesn’t anymore.

Why is Co-regulation Important?

Can’t I Just Regulate On My Own?

Humans are not meant to handle the stress of life in isolation. That was true 10-20 years ago and it’s especially true in 2026. The levels of systemic and interpersonal stress and distress that we are collectively and individually experiencing is literally too much for 1 human’s autonomic nervous system to handle. That is 1 reason why so many people are experiencing shutdown (burning out, depression, and/or dissociation), freeze, fawn, and fight/flight stress responses. It’s why so many people are so apathetic and hopeless. This is all just too much.

As we know from the dorsal vagus chapter, having a constantly overwhelmed autonomic nervous system, and body in general, has negative effects on your physical and mental health over time. Reminder from the last chapter: loneliness has physical effects on your body and can add to the stress, overstimulation, and even the health concerns you are experiencing. Even if you were a pro at self-regulation and had all the resources available to you personally, you would still probably feel like something is missing. In these extra stressful times, many of our autonomic nervous systems’ are constantly on high alert, scoping out for danger, and unable to truly rest. Without the benefits of meaningful human connection, we would have to be solely responsible for turning our own ventral vagus back on every single time. Which is fine and do-able, but also a lot of work over time.

Regulating your ANS is labor and sometimes it’s nice to not have to do EVERYTHING on your own. What if you are having a low energy day? What if you are overwhelmed? What if you are touch starved? Co-regulating aka linking up with another person’s ANS to share a glimmer moment is another necessary part of staying regulated and connected to yourself and others during these overly stressful times.

 

Reciprocity

Sorry to burst someone’s bubble out there, but you do actually owe at least some people something, not just for them, but your own survival too. People being meaner and more selfish/individualistic and this general loss of wider societal reciprocity makes us literally feel less safe. And when our bodies sense danger, our autonomic nervous system (ANS) will activate 1 of our survival modes and, as we know by now, living under constant, chronic stress makes our overall physical and mental health worse and negatively affects everyone’s quality of life.

On the other hand, when we collectively are not selfish and show at least bare minimum mutual care for one another aka engaging in reciprocity, we increase feelings of physical and biological safety in ourselves and others. And that safety is the foundation of any connection and/or relationship. If you are anxious, angry, confused, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and/or any other kind of dysregulation and your prefrontal cortex is turned off, you’re not going to be in the right mental place to enjoy connecting with someone. And it’s the same for others. If someone else is dysregulated, they are also not feeling safe enough in the moment for human connection. Again, stress (any kind of stress: hunger, financial stress, housing instability, conflict, etc.) turns off our Social Engagement Center.

Addressing someone’s material needs and at least starting to establish a basic level of safety before expecting them to engage in activities that require critical thinking, socializing, and emotional connection is a major key. Safety creates the environment for our autonomic nervous systems to connect with each other without the defensiveness, fear, anxiety, and isolation that can result from sympathetic or dorsal vagal activation.

Reciprocity in relationships builds trust because you learn that you can rely on those people and the relationships themselves (and people learn they can rely on you). And your ANS interprets this reliability and mutual trust as safety. These moments of reciprocity can be as deep as you want and need it to be, depending on the situation. Moments of co-regulation can be deeply intimate or it can be casual and light-hearted. Reciprocity and mutual respectful connection is not something you only save for people you are close to or know intimately.

Remember, healing and meaningful connection don’t just happen with your inner circle. The little interactions we have with strangers and acquaintances are also important co-regulation. The relationships you have with the neighbor you greet daily, your barber, the person who runs your favorite shop, your mutuals & followers online, and the like all have a positive effect on your autonomic nervous system.

And contrary to popular belief, reciprocity does not have to always be an equal 50/50, you do for me and I do for you kind of relationship, in order to be beneficial to you. A fact of life is you are going to be in relationships that are objectively uneven (or the relationships are going to have uneven times). You or someone else is not going to be in a place to give as much as you/they are given. And that’s not automatically a bad thing. Think about parent/child relationships ideally – in the beginning the child can’t cover half their education or food bill so parents care for them without expecting the relationship to be equal and at the end, the adult child takes care of the parent without expectations that the elder pull their weight equally. Or think about long-term close friendships and chosen families where people stay with each other through multiple life crises. One friend may need more help in a certain area of life and the more regulated friend at that time shares some of the safety in their ANS until everyone can return to the baseline reciprocity from before.

A relationship can also be one-sided without it being toxic and a deep, sustaining connection can exist and be nurtured despite the uneven-ness. There may be situations where 1 friend is disabled in certain ways and can’t ever do certain things so they need the support of others in specific ways. Or maybe there are other barriers like 1 person can read/write and the other can’t. My point is that uneven-ness in a relationship is not always a sign that someone is being taken advantage of or exploited.

One way to determine the difference is looking at the overall history of the relationship. Has there historically been a flow of acts of love and/or care shown back and forth to each other? To what extent does the uneven-ness in the relationship fall in line with systemic oppressions (there’s a difference between the uneven-ness I am talking about and something like weaponized incompetence)? It’s not about everyone being “equally yoked”. That’s not what automatically makes a reciprocal relationship. Someone can make just as much money as you and still be a selfish person or at least someone who isn’t a match for you.

Only choosing people based on superficial categories like looks, finances, and physical ability won’t always give you the safe relationships your body needs to thrive. There’s always going to be different power dynamics and differences in access in every relationship. Are those dynamics and differences being acknowledged and addressed as needed? And people engaging in care work in their personal relationships should also make sure to engage in self-regulation in their personal time AND co-regulation with other community members as well so all of their time and energy is not being spent in a caregiving role. The one-sidedness of a relationship should not mean that the relationships with yourself and others go completely neglected.

 

Community-Building and Co-Regulation

The levels of stress we are experiencing in these times is not sustainable. A human was not meant to take all of this stress and trauma to the face, especially not alone. At the same time, as I’ve mentioned before, it’s those same high stress levels that are turning off our social engagement center and our prefrontal cortex, putting our autonomic nervous systems in an even more dysregulated state. Basically, people need to learn how to regulate their ANS with other people in order to handle all this chaos AND in order to have solid community relationships of different kinds, we need to learn how to navigate safety, misunderstandings, and conflict together.

An essential foundational part of creating and building community relationships is having shared goals. The shared goal could be getting your hair done, running a space together, working on a project, doing an activity together, or even as simple as committing to share a part of your life together. Collaborating and working together towards shared goals requires both everyone feeling safe enough to connect and everyone continuing to make each other feel safe over time. Building and maintaining that feeling of safety with each other involves an ongoing practice of actively being mindful of and caring for each other’s autonomic nervous systems (as well as your own).

From a practical perspective, this can look like:

• Respecting boundaries (1. prioritizing your own boundaries and being aware of any Fawning, 2. prioritizing the other person’s boundaries, and 3. prioritizing the shared boundaries that are unique to the relationship between you)
• Making an intentional effort to activate the social engagement center with each other consistently in addition to doing “the work”. So everything isn’t super serious all the time and you have moments of connection that have nothing to do with stress and trauma. Shared glimmers, play, and rest actually strengthen the connections between people much more than centering struggle all the time.
• Helping to meet people’s survival needs 1st before trying to change minds. It’s harder for people to see a different perspective, critically think or plan, or even emotionally connect with someone if they are hungry, feel threatened, are too hot/cold, are over-stimulated or under-stimulated, or otherwise dysregulated. That’s why so many important decisions around the world usually involve breaking bread/sharing a meal or playing some kind of game. These are generally co-regulating activities that can bring a group of people together with a shared goal that help to address a survival need with food, cultural connection, or a release of energy.

Being mindful of everyone’s autonomic nervous systems is especially important during conflict. This is why it’s better to take some space for self-regulation (or to go co-regulate with someone else) and wait to have more complicated or difficult conversations when everyone is regulated. We avoid a lot of unnecessary stress when we remember that when our ventral vagus is engaged, we are able to critically think, connect emotionally, be curious about each other, change patterns of behaviors, etc. Being able to sense how your body is reacting to a situation and using your somatic practices to get yourself back to the right mindset is an essential skill for everyone to have to keep a relationship healthy.

Different community relationships need different kinds of care. Your relationship with the librarian is not going to need the same kinds of things that your relationship with your best friend needs to keep the relationship healthy and solid. But all relationships need some level of effort to thrive.

 

Co-regulation and the Autonomic Nervous System

I spent so much time covering basic somatic theory and the ANS because being able to maintain any relationship, no matter how casual or close involves similar skills:

• Noticing that you are dysregulated in the 1st place.
• Being able to determine what your body needs in that moment to be regulated.
• Knowing how to hit the pause button and turn your critical thinking and ability to connect back on before saying something you don’t mean, before any planning, or before reconnecting with someone after a misunderstanding or conflict.
• Figuring out whether this is a misunderstanding or conflict and deciding whether or not it’s a rupture in a relationship that you actually want to do the work of healing.
• Creating and using glimmer moments to share moments of safety and enjoyment with others.

This is where understanding how your autonomic nervous system (ANS) works and learning how to figure out where you are on the ANS subway map becomes so important. It’s essential to be able to figure out the kind of support that you or someone else needs. If they are feeling low energy and overwhelmed, maybe this isn’t the right time to drag them out to the club. Maybe you or they need a low-key space to recover from stress. If you or they are feeling a lot of anxiety or anger, how can they be supported in releasing that pent-up energy? And also since we know that the social engagement center lives in the ventral vagus and that needs to be activated for people to solidly connect with others, it’s important to know how close/far you are (or someone else is) from being regulated. People cannot be in Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, or Shutdown and still fully enjoy a pleasurable moment or connect with others.

The process of co-regulation is both reactive and proactive. What I mean by that is co-regulation isn’t just responding to the vibe of someone’s ANS once something stressful has already happened. That would be reactive: waiting until something has happened before responding to the situation. And that’s very important to learn how to do. Another important part of co-regulation and being connected to other humans is the proactive part of co-regulation – meaning taking action even before something has happened.

From a practical perspective, that looks like creating the environment together that makes ventral vagus activation possible. You are curating an experience and creating a space together where the energy is right and everyone can benefit from it equitably. That could be making a space more accessible so everyone can move around freely so that’s 1 less stress on someone’s plate. It could be people checking in with each other in advance to see if anything needs to be changed or added to make sure everyone feels thought of. Maybe not everyone is in a mental and/or physical place to co-regulate and there’s something that needs to be done to set everything off the right way.

In order for everyone to fully benefit, co-regulation can’t be rushed or forced. You can’t force someone to feel safe, present, and emotionally connected. Each person has to learn how to go at the pace set by another person’s nervous system in that moment and everyone has to respect that pace if they want to connect with that person at that particular time. Forcing yourself or someone else to co-regulate before one’s ANS is ready can lead to more opportunities for biological rudeness, misunderstandings, and miscommunications.

During moments of biological rudeness, co-regulation is temporarily lost so forcing a situation when the connection isn’t there and the vibe isn’t right will only make things worse. Like I explain in the Biological Rudeness chapter, repairing misunderstandings and arguments involve an intentional return to co-regulation and feeling safe in the relationship again.

Using the NYC Subway analogy again, many times, people have to move through the autonomic nervous system to somatically process feelings of overwhelm and/or release pent up fear/anxiety or anger BEFORE they can fully benefit from the chill or fun kind of co-regulation. Returning to a baseline sense of safety is always the goal here before starting any of that kind of co-regulation time. If someone is too agitated, angry, or anxious, they probably won’t want to sit down and have chill quality time with someone.

When someone’s fight or flight response is activated, they feel that rush of energy designed to help them move to confront or run away from some danger to get to safety. In this situation, they probably need to release that energy in their bodies (common examples: muscle tension/tightness, pain flaring, pressure, restlessness & tingling in hands and/or feet, or “butterflies” in stomach or chest). Someone could also be too overwhelmed and feeling exhausted, hopeless/helpless, and or disconnected (aka dorsal vagus related feelings) to want to spend time with others or just not be able to enjoy a social moment at all. They might prefer low stimulation environments or even some alone time until their nervous system is ready for more intense stimulation or connection. Pushing themselves too much here can make the physical sensations in their bodies (common examples: fatigue/deep tiredness, stomach tightness/tension  and/or heaviness, tightness in throat, feeling stuck, frozen, heavy, or numb in 1 or more areas of the body) more intense and their autonomic nervous system could go further into a protective state.

Remember if you are in a mixed state like Freeze or Fawn, both the dorsal vagus and your sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight) are activated here.  I’ll explain this in more detail in a future unit, but you want to start with the overwhelming, dorsal vagus related feelings 1st if you want to regulate as smoothly as possible.

This might make more sense if you check out the videos here and the video here, but in those mixed states, you have 1 foot in the dorsal vagus and 1 foot in the sympathetic nervous system. If you try to skip over the somatic roots of your exhaustion, sadness, hurt, loneliness, etc. because those are uncomfortable or stigmatized for you, you can find yourself becoming even more overwhelmed or shut down. Instead, it’s a smoother process to focus on the dorsal related feelings 1st so your ANS can fully sit in it’s sympathetic nervous system and it’s easier for you to release that pent-up energy without a surprise emotional and/or physical crash on the other side. Co-regulation can also look like helping someone release that dysregulation or releasing it together, but that requires a foundation of trust. In those situations, you need to trust that, that relationship and that person is safe enough to guide you back to feeling safe in your body.

 

Examples of Common Ways to Co-Regulate

[Note: this is not a post about showing you templates for how to co-regulate (that’s coming in another chapter). This is just to throw out some ideas in case you wanted to know what co-regulation practices could look like.]

One point of somatic work is to bring some intention to your connections with people. Incorporating your growing knowledge of your autonomic nervous system can help guide you through the more complicated situations and help you savor the good times you have with the people in your life.One point of somatic work is to bring some intention to your connections with people. Incorporating your growing knowledge of your autonomic nervous system can help guide you through the more complicated situations and help you savor the good times you have with the people in your life.

Sharing

Again, co-regulation at its simplest includes sharing a safe moment with someone. This can be as casual as sharing a random laugh, incredulous situation, or moment of awe or elevation with a stranger or having your regular pleasant interaction with the person at the register of a shop you frequent. Sharing as co-regulation could also be sharing your art or writing with someone. Or intentionally sharing an experience together that you know everyone will enjoy. Or having an intimate moment in private with someone you care about.

This Could Look Like:

• Sharing a laugh on the subway with strangers after you saw some wild happen.
• Playing your favorite album for a friend for the 1st time.
• Watching a comfort TV show or movie with someone.
• Going out to share an experience like a show, hiking, or exploring around together.
• Doing something meaningful with another person or in a group of people.

Parallel Play and Body doubling

Parallel Play aka Body doubling is a really popular and effective way to motivate oneself to get something done and/or to share a nice moment with someone. When you are feeling stuck or overwhelmed, it’s another great way to move your body gently, bit by bit, out of a dorsal related stress response while reminding you that you are not alone. And if you are feeling good, sharing the moment is usually a great way of making things even better.

This Could Look Like:

• Call that friend and do that boring, annoying, or otherwise low-dopamine task while they’re on the phone.
• Offer to come over and help a friend wash their dishes or go through their mail just to support them and hang out with them with no pressure to reciprocate.
• Run some errands with your irl and/or internet friends.
• Just chilling in a space with someone, doing your own thing peacefully while physically together.

Sound/Music

Sound is connected to the ventral vagus (and the social engagement center) through the nerves that connect the inner ear muscle. Meaning, sound and noises play a huge role in one’s peace of mind and/or stress levels. You can see this with how over-stimulating noise pollution is and the research showing how noise pollution can actually affect our health over time. Even the tone of voice that someone uses when they speak to us can have a big impact on how our bodies and autonomic nervous systems respond to the situation. On the other hand, taking care to learn how to be mindful of how we speak to each other is a game-changer. Conversations have the ability to be co-regulation just as much as they can be battles. From a somatic perspective, just like self-talk, having a pleasant conversation with someone, short or long, exercises the vagus nerve.

Think of your ventral vagus engaging and relaxing on and off so you can benefit from both the chillness of being regulated so you can pay attention while allowing some sympathetic nervous system energy in so you can also contribute to the conversation. Talking also engages the social engagement system – the vagus nerve connects to the lungs for breath control, the larynx to make sound, our inner ear picks up the person’s tone of voice, and the muscles in our face express our emotions. You don’t need sound to make conversation obviously (people who sign do so just fine), but, if it’s a sense you can perceive, it has a huge effect on whether a conversation is co-regulating for someone.

This Could Look Like:

• Lowering your voice or lowering the music/TV if someone is sensitive to sound or someone putting on headphones to mask the sound.
• Sharing music either by swapping music recommendations (which is also an act of trust, empathy, and bonding) or listening to music together privately or live to share some dopamine.
• Going out in nature together and sharing the experience of listening and connecting with nature.
• Singing, chanting, or playing music together in a group builds the connections to each other over time (think choir, band practice, and those scenes from the horror movie Midsommar)

Play

I have a whole chapter dedicated to the importance of Play from a somatic perspective here. The main thing I’ll add is that play is an awesome option for co-regulation because it is a release of energy mixed with opportunity for human connection through shared energy exchange in a safe space held together by shared interests. Done right, playtime can warm up both kids and adults out of a stuck or frozen state, help them release any pent up stress, and open them up to make new connections or deepen connections that were already there. Making sure that the activity is a shared interest that everyone wants to do is key here. You can’t trick or force someone’s ventral vagus to activate (that would be Fawn anyway).

This Could Look Like:

• Playing games together in person or online.
• Cooking or building something together in person or virtually.
• Singing karaoke together.
• Dancing together.

Touch

Touch was probably the 1 of the 1st kinds of co-regulation we experienced as babies. We screamed for help and the 1st thing an adult probably did was touch us. From a biological standpoint, touch is the 1st sense to emerge in utero and it’s the most developed out of all of our senses by the time we are born. Adding to that, the skin is our body’s largest organ so we were receiving and continue to receive so much stimulation from touch from the moment we were born until now.

Touch (and the lack of touch) causes, changes, and communicates emotions. We can tell a lot from how someone touches us and how we touch others. Through neuroception, our autonomic nervous systems are able to determine how safe we feel about someone or a situation. Safe touch lets the body know in seconds without words that there isn’t any danger nearby. Touch that stimulates the (ventral) vagus nerve can reduce stress & pain and even improve the immune system. Touch can also be triggering and re-traumatizing depending on someone’s trauma history.

That’s why part of co-regulation is a respect of people’s boundaries around touch and respect around your own limitations RE: touch. If your ANS does not like something, you don’t have to do it. If it’s something you want to work on, save it for a professional who has the skill to support that kind of work while creating a safe enough space for you to work in. Until then, listen to your body’s, “No.”

This Could Look Like:

Just focusing on how your body literally physically responds to different kinds of touch without trying to explain it away or interpret your emotions (this is why we practiced the body scan so much). For example, maybe no matter how people say you should feel, you actually don’t like being hugged all that much because it activates a stress response more times than not.

• What actually feels good, calming, interesting, or stimulating in a nice way about different kinds of touch? Try to describe them physically in your body without interpreting them. Example: “I feel warm and fuzzy in my chest” vs “I feel calm” or “I feel happy”.
• When are there times you actually want to touch someone? How does your body let you know that physically?
• When are times you don’t want to be touched? How does your body let you know that physically?
• How do you know when you need certain kinds of touch or physical contact to feel more regulated? How do you know which kinds of touch help you get out of shutdown or help you release fight/flight energy, for example.
• What kinds of touch will always dysregulate you no matter what? What do those moments feel like physically in your body?

Even if you don’t have any traumas related to touch, I still suggest thinking about your boundaries and needs regarding interpersonal touch, using your own autonomic nervous system as your guide.

 

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Again, at its most basic, co-regulation involves time spent with people doing relatively safe shared activities. That could be as simple as saying good morning to the same person every day for years, engaging with the same people online (sharing information and common interests), or the co-worker that makes the shift bearable with jokes, commiseration, and shared interests. Just like we don’t have to rely only on self-regulation to meet all of our needs, we don’t have to rely on co-regulation only from close relationships. Shared safe moments with kind strangers and acquaintances you know from around the way are just as meaningful to our autonomic nervous systems.

Your ANS will enjoy that lil pocket of regulation regardless, despite you not being that particularly close with that person, if at all. Like I’ve said before, a community is not made up of only close intimate relationships. A community is a bigger network with different kinds of relationships and connections. Most of the people in a given community are likely to be acquaintances that you have nice moments with over time.

There’s a lot of research that shows that “weak ties” (what social science is calling the connections we make outside of our close relationships and inner circles) are essential for our overall health and wellness. Someone doesn’t have to be your bestie and know your soul for you to be in community with them respectfully and share pleasant life moments at whatever level of closeness that fits the situation. Getting as many glimmers in your life as you can is never a bad thing.

 

Thanks for reading. You completed Unit 3! Congratulations for finishing another somatic theory unit! The next chapter starts off Unit 4, which will cover some of my favorite somatic exercises related to self- and co-regulation.